Nature, Nurture, Nudge?

One of the topics we keep returning to on Date Night, or on those other rare occasions when unfettered adult conversation can occur, is whether or not to push the kids in a particular direction, for which reasons, and how hard.

For example, let's say you introduce your daughter to swim lessons, and she enjoys them.  Now let's say that the coach comes to you one day and says, "You know, Mathilda there has some real talent.  You should enroll her in my "L'il Dolphins competitive swim team."  You ask Mathilda, and she's game, so you pull her form community swim lessons and put her onto the team.

For a while she loves it - new people, excellent coaches, one-on-one attention, the thrill of competing.  However, after a few months, the shine rubs off the practices and she starts complaining that it's "boring".  Also, that it is "hard" and "no fun".  Mathilda goes to a few meets.  She wins a race in her first one, but finishes middle-on-the-pack in the others.  It turns out the other kids are also pretty good, and have been at it longer than she.

Now her resistance grows and you begin to have fights with her over going to practice, and meets, and her bad attitude, and you remind her she made a commitment to the team and the coaches and that members of this family never quit.

But then, over some Thai food on Date Night, you and your husband talk it through - Mathilda is just being lazy. She needs to learn the value of pushing through adversity to succeed in life.  Her commitment to the team is a promise that should not be broken.

...Or maybe she has swum long enough now that she had concluded she really does not like being in the pool.  Perhaps she also needs to learn when to stop banging her head against a wall and to walk away gracefully.  It is also possible that she did not really understand the implications of her "sure, I'll join a team" when asked.

What do you do, as parents?  Exposing your children to a variety of activities as they grow seems to make good sense.  Providing them with the opportunity to pursue those activities that they enjoy and have some aptitude for also makes sense.  But here's where it gets tricky - and where you need to ask yourself what your ultimate goals are - with the activity specifically, and for your kids' growth overall.

Success at any level requires a significant commitment and considerable sacrifice of time, energy and passion.  Can 9-year-old  Mathilda really comprehend the significance of that sacrifice and commitment?  I'd say no.  Therefore, as the parent(s), do you push them to break through their initial resistance so that they can take their skills to the next level?  If so, at what cost?  How do you identify the point at which the cost to the child and the family is greater than the likely outcome down the road?  Very difficult calculus to do.

While I have no actual data on this, I'd venture that every single Olympic champion or concert pianist or successful business owner would say that they would not have made it to the top without someone helping to push them up there - to keep them focused and driven and on-point.

Again, as a parent you have to ask  what your goals are - are you training a concert pianist or Olympic swimmer?  Or are you trying to mold a well-rounded kid who is solid at many things, but maybe not excellent at any one?  Let me be clear, I am not saying one is better than the other, just that the question should be asked - and answered - so that you know where an activity, and your parenting, is heading.